So this week was the first time I've had any significant time off from my job in over six months. I didn't take a crazy trip...I didn't get wasted all the time...hell a lot of the time I didn't even leave my house! I spent a fair amount of the time in my house with my friends and it was AWESOME!!

Jude was here for the first time in a YEAR!! There is something very wrong with only seeing Jude on a yearly basis but you can't waste any of the little time she IS here bemoaning her city of choice. So we hung out and we chatted and she busted her knee....again. I promised her daily texts even if nothing happens in my life....which as we know is a rarity!!

And of course Amanda and Sue got married. The wedding was at this gorgeous inn on Cayuga Lake. There's something truly spiritual about the combination of seeing your friends getting married under a chuppah, having that nice bartender know what my "usual" was within an hour and dancing to Shakira!! There was a small after party which I punked out on fairly early but we had a DELIGHTFUL time!

So last night I'm getting ready for a mellow night out to watch my friend sing and to meet up with the new guy I'm dating. I decide to start the evening off with dinner with Alice because I don't mind driving half an hour to see her...even if I'm not hungry. I walk into Applebee's in Pittsford, all dressed up for my night plans and looking for my darling friend. The first table my eyes land on is the one by the door and I realize the blond woman with the cranky look on her face is no other than B's GIRLFRIEND, which made the tall handsome black guy of course my most recent failed love. I breezed by them the moment the hostess points out Alice to me and proceed to shake as I order my Cosmo. Now granted, I have been working on moving past this whole thing and I really AM making progress, but to just SEE them out together was...surreal. They left about ten minutes later, zipping by the window in his Corvette. I have no idea whether my arrival was a factor in that. I spent the better part of the meal with Alice dissecting what I learned in that "relationship" and flipping between feeling really anxious and really glad I looked so cute.

I leave Alice and the newly arrived Sarah to their evening and proceed to head to the bar in Gates where my lovely friend Joelle is going to sing. I see her and a few other coworkers and get more settled...then I walk in and see one of my former regular customers! I didn't feel uncomfortable telling my current coworkers how I knew this man who was buying me a drink, it was just another weird random moment in an evening that seemed made for them. I sipped my drinks and hung out with nice people until my date arrived after losing his softball game. He bought me a drink, told me how nice I looked and rubbed my shoulders for me. He seems like a REALLY nice guy, assuming I know how to spot one of those when I see one. He then alluded to the fact that I live close to this bar and I take the bait and invite him over, explaining that he shouldn't get his hopes up. I gave him the grand tour of the house, kissed him for what felt like hours and woke up next to him this morning, still in my pj's, listening to him snore. I am a TEASE!!!! Ha! I feel as though the rest of my life will not pause when I get back to working on Monday. I can't wait to see what's next!!

If I were to give me some advice...coming from a therapist perspective of course it would go something like...

Well, I guess I have two choices. I can either wallow in sadness, perseverating on even though we never even had a CHANCE at a real relationship it's over. Trying to pick apart how I managed to get so involved with someone who never had any intention of having a relationship. Missing the crazy hot sex. And I mean HOT! Thinking there's something wrong with ME that I wasn't ever even an option for him.



Or...



I can believe that there is more and better out there for me. Know that I have a LOT to offer someone who wants me. Remember that I am a smart, beautiful, silly, giving, loving, AMAZING woman...and I'm all those things whether I'm with someone or on my own. Recognize that he is the poorer person for not knowing that, but still wishing him love and happiness. And think of all of the awesome people in my life who are more than happy to remind me of those things if I feel sad sometimes.

Gonna have to go with the second choice!!!

HI livejournal peoples whom I do not talk to much in real life...sad sad. I am having a get together at my place next Saturday at 2PM. There will be paninis and sex toy purchasing!!! Let me know if you would like to join!!!

My house. Saturday, April 26th. 2PM. TOYS!! Not legos!!! Join the FUN!!!!!!!!

Haiku



o i was wide and

open unto him and he

moved in me like rain.

Dude I made out with and I had a nice chat...I told him one of his friends and I don’t get along but didn’t mention who. He asked why I’ve been hiding...I basically tell him it’s lame to kiss and run. He apologizes for being a dick. We’re on friendly terms.

Luis calls me in the middle of the night on St.Patrick’s Day telling me he refuses to give up on us because we belong together. I’m sobbing because I can’t believe I have to live through this break-up again. He IMs me the next day to apologize and tells me he still thinks we have something worth salvaging but that he is done trying to convince me. We’ve returned books to each other.

MM got into another big fight with his ex who he was considering working things out with and I was there for him to talk about things with. Then I helped him find a new place. Then all that stuff went down with Luis and he was there for me. We’re still flirtatious of course...but we haven’t DONE anything since it all blew up in our faces. As it turns out though, we make awesome friends. Beyond that, time will tell. No rush on my end.

Oh and I got hit on by some...shall we say interesting specimens at Soho last night. I have GOT to find a better spot to troll for guys...

Ok so I realize Rochester is not a huge town. But how WACKED out is it that the guy I hung out with and kissed a couple weeks ago is FRIENDS with MM's ex???????? SERIOUSLY??? What WAS that some kind of recognizance??? Whatever...he's deleted now...I'm over it.

On the bright side, the Vagina Monologues were kick ass. Yay for me and my awesome vagina!!! :)

So overall I don't think of my life as too dramatic. I go to work, chill with my fabulous peeps, hug the small children in my life, read when I can and probably watch too much TV. Then Valentine's Day rolls around, a day I chose to work twelve hours because I don't want to THINK about the fact this is my first Valentine's Day being single in about six years. But try as I might to avoid thing, when I get home who is online but Luis? So we have a nice chat and of course I get emotional. And he's wondering WHY! Seriously? You think after six years together that those feelings just go away? And his response was something akin to...well I'm over you so you should try to be over me. Awesome. Glad I'm so forgettable. So then I just head to bed to get that day over with...just to wake up the next day to get my wisdom teeth pulled. I'm glad I spring for the nitrous oxide but still....not being able to eat solid food pretty much sucks.

And then yesterday in the midst of my recuperation process, MM IMs me to tell me there's something important he has to tell me when he gets back from lunch. So there I am...in suspense...through lunch...all afternoon through six. When then he tells me that his girl had hired a private investigator and now she knows EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And decided to take a LOT of his money when she left. People REALLY hire private investigators?? REALLY?????? So clearly that relationship is over...he just has to try to get his money back! And both of us agreed that we don't regret anything that we did. It's just....wow....DRAMA!!!!!!

So now my plan is to settle in for a mellow weekend of mushy food and pain medication. And let MM figure out how he feels about everything....

So I broke things off with MM. Ug. I'm really quite grumpy about it. Basically he was trying to talk to me about how he felt like he was being pulled in crazy directions...and I just blurted out that what we had wasn't enough for me anymore. And it's not like I expected he would suddenly change into being someone who was good for me, but it would have been nice to think he at least struggled with his decision a bit. As it happens, he was clear that he is happy with what he's doing and who he's with. So I said that's it for the two of us. Then he wanted to be assured that he didn't mislead me or hurt me and of course he didn't. But I was still VERY attached to him despite my best efforts...so the fact that he was so willing to let me go was NOT fun. And like an idiot I tell him we should see each other one more time....which he misinterprets as me deciding to go back to the way things are. So I go to his office...hang out...have sex...lay in his arms for awhile and leave. He says something like he'll see me later...so I text him as I'm leaving the Village Gate explaining that that was our last time. He's incredulous at first but then I told him that I can't move forward in my life when I'm still so entangled with someone...even if they're unavailable to me. MM says he wants to be friends....so I say cool. Then I drive off and spend the next several days...including today in a serious friggin' emotional hole. And of course like the genius I am I text him to wish him a happy New Year...and he responds by wishing me one also and adding that he still has crazy love for me. Not the most gushing emotional moment I've ever had but naturally I still reacted. I guess I should feel proud of myself that I risked feeling all this pain to do what's best for me in the long run. Still feels shitty though...